Is Anybody Listening?
Is Anybody Listening?
In the midst of hard times, who or what do you turn to? For some, it may be their closest friend, a mentor, God, or maybe another re-run of your favorite Office episode.
Sometimes it's a mixture of both, a random text message to a friend at 2:00 a.m. explaining that you’ve had the worst day and then a deep dive into the pantry looking for comfort food.
Are you ever just wanting to be heard and not need a response? Maybe a hug or text message in response from a loved one, just saying that they’re sorry this has happened to you. We want to know that someone is listening to us even if they can’t take the pain away. We want to know that others are walking beside us and that even if they aren’t in the same boat as us, they still see us.
The other unfortunate side of sharing our problems with people is that we get unsolicited advice and opinions that can be more damaging than helpful. These unsolicited remarks can have us question ourselves and doubt our own hurt. We feel overlooked, judged, mistreated, and sometimes feeling worse than we did before. I’d like to think that those who truly love us, mean it from a place of sincerity and care. They struggle to see us in pain. I also see these people as “fix-it” people. You know exactly who I’m describing. If you share that something went wrong, they have an answer for you of what to do- whether you asked or not! Honestly, that could be because we struggle to see others in pain because it makes us uncomfortable.
With all of that being said, does turning to people who haven’t experienced the same pain and frustrations help us or make it worse?
It depends. Do they give unwanted advice and not have a “fix-it” attitude? Or can they hear our cry and just sit with us, side by side?
Something I often tell my clients in session is, “Only you go home at night with your problems. No one else lives in your mind or in your body to deal with your problems”. This may sound harsh to hear and the purpose isn’t to make one feel that they are all alone, but to validate them in their pain. In other words, everyone around you (including me- your therapist!) can tell you what we think is the best thing to do in your situation, but it is still your situation. The rest of us will go home to our own lives and you will still be in your own body, in your own mind with your problems. This especially rings true if no one in their life has been through their particular situation. It is so easy to jump towards wanting to help someone in distress, but that is not always what they may need.
I encourage you to open up to others who can simply remain present in your pain and listen to your problems, without judgment or having a “fix-it” attitude.
From experience, I have found that talking with others who have the same lived experience can be some of the best people to share your problems with because you will feel so much less alone in your problems.
Questions for thought:
Who are your “safe people” to open up to about your problems?
Do you feel seen, heard, and validated by those around you when you do open up?
When you put up a boundary with others, such as kindly stating, “I am not looking for others' opinions at this time, I just need you to sit with me”, are they listening to you?